Sources

Chapter 37

The drive was long.

He drummed the fingers of his right hand on the steering wheel. They'd grown accustomed to resting on her knee as he drove, and he had to lock his elbow to keep his hand from wandering over instinctively.

She concentrated on the file in her lap, re-reading the few details about the case. "The body was found on the edge of a canyon?" she asked, puzzled.

"That's what it says."

"Why would someone dump a body there? Why not walk a few more feet and throw it into the canyon? No one would have ever found it."

Grissom started to answer, but was interrupted by the ring of his cell phone. He pulled it out of his jacket, looked at the caller ID, and stuck it back in his pocket. They drove the rest of the way in silence. She tried not to breathe in his scent, but his close proximity was making her head spin.

After an hour of winding desert roads, he finally pulled to a stop by a deep canyon. Sara watched him get out, walking quickly toward the edge. She hurriedly grabbed her kit, slammed the door, and rushed to catch up with him.

"Grissom, where's the PD? Where's the body?"

He spun around, eyes blazing. "We're having it out, Sara," he said fiercely, pressing the button on his key to automatically lock the Denali's doors. "Right here, right now."

She stared at him in disbelief. "There's no body?"

"No body."

"No case?"

"No."

Rage began to boil inside her. "Boy, when you decide to lie, you just can't stop, can you?"

His gaze was intense. "You left me," he said, his voice harsh and ragged. "You said you'd never leave me."

"And you said you'd always be honest with me!"

"This isn't about honesty," he said, studying her closely. "What are you really angry about?"

"Give me the key." She held out her hands, hoping he wouldn't notice how badly they were shaking.

"No."

"Grissom, give me the goddamn key!" she roared.

Without missing a beat, he pulled his arm back and heaved the key into the canyon. She watched in disbelief as it fell.

His cell phone rang again, and he ignored it.

"Sara." he sighed heavily. "Look, I found out where your brother was, and thought maybe I could reunite the two of you."

She shook her head over and over again, her eyes wild. Pulling out her cell phone, she dialed quickly. "Nick, it's me. Grissom dragged me out here on a bogus case, can you come get me? We're." She looked around blankly. "Where the hell are we?"

Grissom shrugged. "No idea."

The scream burst out of her chest before she could stop it. Hurling her cell phone into the depths of the canyon, she howled in unfettered fury. The sound echoed, magnifying the sound of her angry desperation.

"Why?" she shrieked, fighting back tears. "Why can't you just let me leave?"

Her words tore through him, searing a hot path through his heart. His eyes grew dark. "It crossed my mind," he admitted bitterly. "My father stuck around for five years, Maria stuck around for six months. You barely made it past three, so you must've cared even less than they did."

She flinched a little, not looking at him.

"But then I realized that in fact, you'd stuck around for over ten years. Twice that of my father. And more importantly."

"Save it, Grissom. I left."

"No, goddamn it!" he bellowed, surprising both of them with his outburst.

"Yes!" she screamed back, just as fiercely. "You don't get to choose! You lied to me, you deliberately went behind my back and contacted him, of all people-"

His cell phone rang again. He watched in horror as realization dawned on Sara's face, and she snatched the phone out of his pocket before he could move.

"Sara, no." He tried grabbing it from her, but she'd already read the display.

She flipped open the phone, trembling violently. "What?" she yelled into the phone. "What do you want?"

"I, uh." the voice was hesitant. "I'm trying to reach-"

"I know who you're trying to reach, buddy, but it's too late! I've already left him! So you can go crawl back to your little hole and die for all I care!"

"Look, I don't know what kind of game you're playing," he said, his voice growing angry. "Some guy left me a message from a crime lab and I'm trying to get back to him. That's it. I'm not sure why I have to deal with this bullshit."

A mirthless laugh sprang from her mouth. "Oh, you don't have to deal with it, Sander. You made sure of that twenty years ago."

He made a low noise. "S- Sara?"

"You made your decision. I wasn't worth your time. That's fine. Now stay the hell out of my life."

"Sara, I was nineteen years old," he said pleadingly. "I was still a kid."

"No," she corrected him sharply. "Thirteen is a kid. You were an adult."

"Yeah, an adult that got a call in the middle of the night saying my mother was in jail for killing my father! That's a little much for anyone to handle!"

She growled. "You want to know what's a little much to handle, Sander? How about being raped by a grown man every night before you've even started your period? Being raped at all is painful, but when you're that age, it's like you're being vivisected." She paced back and forth furiously, ignoring Grissom's presence. "How about watching your own mother stab the life out of the only person who loved you enough to try to make it stop?"

"Sara, please try to understand."

"I haven't gotten to the best part," she spat. "After all that, I'm sitting with a case worker at the police station, with my father's blood still caked into my fingernails, still bleeding from the rape, watching them lead my mother away in handcuffs, and they call you." She kicked a stone into the canyon, watching it fall. "They call you on speakerphone, thinking I'll be comforted by the sound of my big brother's voice."

He drew in a sharp breath. "No."

"Oh yeah. I heard everything. How you couldn't be bothered with raising some kid, how they should just stick me in a foster home for a while. She tried to convince you to take me, and you hung up on her."

He didn't answer, and that just enraged her further.

"There were only three people in the world who were supposed to love me. One died protecting me, one went to prison because she was under the delusion that she had been protecting me. And then there was you." Sara sat down in the dirt abruptly, her anger mixing with despair. "You made everything very clear. I wasn't worth the inconvenience, I wasn't even worth the five-minute phone call that night. I didn't deserve anyone's love, not even at the lowest point in my life."

She didn't notice when Grissom sat down next to her.

"Sara." Sander's voice was quavering. "I can't tell you how much I regret-"

"Shut up!" she shrieked. "Jesus, just shut up! I don't want to hear this!"

"Sara, please, will you just-"

She never heard the end of his sentence. Grissom snatched the phone out of her hand, flinging it into the canyon.

Her eyes wide with disbelief, she turned to look at him. He was breathing heavily, his face red and his eyes fiery. "Grissom, why-"

"He was hurting you," he said shortly.

She stared at him, her jaw clenched. "You hurt me too."

"Then I'll throw myself over the cliff," he replied, his face grave.

They sat in silence, looking at the abyss. The rage in both of them had settled into a deadened pain.

"What happened to us, Grissom?" she whispered.

He shook his head in defeat. "I don't know."

"Everything was going so well. Why did you have to call him? Why did you lie to me about it?"

"I don't know," he repeated. "It was this stupid romantic notion that I'd reconnect the two of you so he could walk you down the aisle in your father's place."

She played with the laces of her shoe. Her eyes were unfocused, and she found it hard to breathe. All she could do was cling to the sound of his voice.

"I didn't think it through," he admitted softly. "I shouldn't have done it. Not when I didn't know anything about your history with him." He peeked at her out of the corner of his eye, wishing she would say something. "If I'd known all this would happen." His throat choked up and he shrugged, unable to continue. Please, Sara, say something.

"I, uh." she swallowed. "I thought if you talked to him, you'd come to agree with him that I was a waste of time."

She turned and cocked her head, watching a tear trail down his cheek.

"The only time that's ever wasted is time that I spend without you," he said, his voice thick with emotion. "No one could ever convince me otherwise."

Sara searched his face, trying to allow herself to believe him.

"Think about how much we love you," he continued. "Me, Mandy, Nick." He shook his head. "Sander may be your brother, but we're your family. And we'll always be there for you. We'll never let you go, not ever."

She felt a wall of tears prickling at the back of her eyes. "I shouldn't have left you," she whispered hoarsely.

Grissom made a quiet noise of anguish, dropping his head and weeping freely into his palms. Gingerly, she moved over, placing a hand on his back. "I'm sorry," she breathed. "I'm so sorry." Please, she thought desperately. Please say you'll forgive me.

He lifted his head slowly and looked into her eyes. Running a finger down her cheek to her chin, he lifted it slightly as he lowered his head to kiss her. As she felt his lips touch hers, the dam finally broke, and for the first time since she'd left him, she allowed herself to cry. He held her tightly as the tears flooded down her cheeks.

"I thought I'd never kiss you again," she wept. "This morning I woke up and you weren't there, and the sheets smelled like Downey, and I wanted to die."

He drew a shuddering breath. "Honey, promise you won't leave me again."

"Never," she said, shaking her head emphatically. "I'll never, never leave you. Not ever." His eyes were vulnerable with pain, and it broke her heart. "You're stuck with me, Griss. I've seen what it's like to live without you, and I can't do it."

He clasped her hands in his, staring at their entwined fingers. "Your hand looks weird," he said, quirking an eyebrow at her.

Sara looked at him, confused. "What do you-" She stopped, grinning with understanding. "It does look weird," she agreed. "It needs a little something."

With a gentle smile, he reached into his pocket, pulling out the ring and slipping it back on her finger. She sighed deeply in relief. "Grissom, I need to ask a favor."

"Anything."

"Can we tell everyone about the engagement? Because I don't ever want to take this ring off again."

He kissed her forehead. "I love you."

She hummed, her eyes closed as the tears started to fall again. "God, Griss, I love you so much it makes my heart hurt."

They held each other beside the great abyss, just far away from the edge to feel safe.

"Please don't lie to me again," she whispered.

"What will you do if I do?"

She clasped his hand tightly. "I'll forgive you."

"Then, uh." he bit his lip. "There's something else I need to confess to you."

"What's that?"

His eyes twinkled. "I have a spare key."

She stared at him incredulously, a giggle escaping her lips. "Any chance you have some spare cell phones, too?"

"No such luck," he chuckled, rising to his feet and pulling her up next to him.

She folded herself into his arms. "Let's go home," she sighed.

They climbed into the car, his hand found her knee, and they drove away, leaving the abyss behind until it was just a speck on the horizon.