Sources

Chapter 33

Dear Mom,

So much has happened recently that it's almost overwhelming to think about writing it all down for you. It's times like these when I wish I could pick up the phone and call you, or at least e-mail you. But I know how you are about technology, and so I will attempt to fill you in on what's been going on. Please forgive me if my handwriting gets a bit messy. I have a lot to say, and not all of it is pleasant.

Three days ago, I was attacked at a crime scene. A murder suspect struck the back of my head with a pipe. In truth, I was lucky to escape with just a minor concussion. The ripple effects of the attack, though, were more than I could have imagined.

I spent about a day in the hospital. Sara came during visiting hours, but the nurses made her leave when they were over. She argued with them, trying to convince them to let her stay, but they were firm that only family members can bend the no-visitors rule. As much as my head hurt, Mom, it pained me even more to see what Sara was going through. She'd go to the cafeteria and call me, or send me text messages, waiting till she was allowed to come back. All she wanted to do was stay with me and see for herself that I was okay. I only consider two people in my life family, and she's one of them. But not in the eyes of the hospital staff, or society. Not legally.

It's not like I hadn't thought about asking her to marry me before. I'd had the ring made. I'd known that there's no one else for me. That's not what had me waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat.

No, it's the idea that I could one day discard Sara because of some inherent, genetic weakness of character. That's my great fear, that I'm doomed become my father.

I'm older than he was when he left us, and I still can't comprehend it. How can someone create a family, and then abandon it without a second thought?

Sara has endured enough heartache from me already. I loved her for ten years before I could tell her so. It shouldn't surprise me that it was so hard for me to say it aloud - I never did say it when I was a child. Sure, I could sign it to you. But speaking the words. that's a whole other level. One that seemed insurmountable when it came to Sara.

But I did it. I told her I loved her, I risked everything by starting a relationship with her. And she's. she's in me now, Mom. She's as much a part of me as any of my internal organs. I would die without her. I honestly believe that. Because the life I had before her was a half-life, and I don't ever want to be anything other than whole again.

So after I got out of the hospital, I proposed, and she accepted. We haven't yet told our coworkers we're engaged - they only just found out that we're together, so they may be overwhelmed if we spring this on them two days later.

I don't know what I expected it to be like, being engaged to Sara Sidle. Not this level of comfort, certainly. Not the joy of catching her looking at her ring and smiling when she doesn't know I'm watching. Not the simple pleasure of curling up together on the couch to watch a movie and realizing that we'll still be doing this twenty years from now.

And I believe that deep down, I really do. I believe that my feelings for Sara will overcome anything that my father left me, through genes or through psychological trauma. She makes me feel like a stronger man, a better man.

We spoke about the wedding plans today. Neither of us wants a big affair. Something small, just close friends and family.

It's funny, the things you appreciate. Like the sudden appearance of two new pronouns in my life - "we" and "us." Will there ever be a time when it doesn't make me smile to use them?

Anyway, we're looking to have the wedding in a couple of months. Lots of details are still up in the air - where it will be, who will walk Sara up the aisle, etc. All I care about is that Sara's there and you're there. That's enough for me.

Do you remember that time when I was ten, and I asked you if you remembered what music sounded like? You told me that in your memories, sounds had become sensations. So you didn't remember what your favorite opera sounded like, but you remembered the feelings you would get while listening to it. You said you'd carry it around with you forever. That's how it is for me with Sara. When I think of her, it's not of her voice or her smile. It's of the feeling I get when she nestles her head under my chin when she's sleeping. I've never been this vulnerable before with anyone, Mom. There's so much to lose, and so much to hold on to. But she's the music in me now. My one great love, with a quick wit and a gap-toothed grin, perfection incarnate.

Gil.