Mother Dearest

Chapter 8

Lunch is quiet, awkwardly so. Laurie's sneaking glances at Sara, Sara's sneaking glances at April, and April's glowering at her plate of ravioli.

"Aren't you hungry?" Laurie asks, raising her eyebrows at April's untouched food.

"Not really," she replies. "I'm actually kind of stressed about my Shakespeare paper, is it okay if I work on it now?"

"Oh, of course, honey. I'll put your plate in the fridge for later."

April gets up and heads for her room.

"Wait," Laurie calls. "Remember how Gil was able to help you with that sonnet yesterday? Do you want his help on this paper?"

"Um..." April couldn't look less enthused. "I guess."

"Gil?" There's an unspoken truce in Laurie's eyes when she looks at me. "Would you mind?"

"Oh, sure. I mean, of course not. I'd... sure, I'll help." I follow April down the hall sheepishly, heading for her bedroom. Once we're inside, she spins around, shutting the door behind us.

"So," I say brightly. "What is your Shakespeare paper-"

"I'm not moving in with you guys." April's arms are folded, her jaw set, her eyes blazing. I've seen this same pose from Sara enough times to know that I'm in deep trouble.

"Okay."

"I'm not going to call Sara 'Mom,' and I'm not going to your house on the weekends."

"Okay."

"Why are you here? Why the hell did you come here?"

I sigh a little, sitting on the edge of her bed. "Because I knew there was something Sara was upset about, something unresolved between her and her mother. I came to try and help resolve it. That's it."

"So I wasn't even a part of the equation." There's a slight tremble of her lower lip, and I suddenly realize I've hurt her.

"I didn't know about you," I tell her, motioning toward the other side of the bed, hoping she'll sit. But she stays standing, trying to look fierce.

"I don't believe you."

"You don't have to believe me. But it's the truth. Sara told me about you last night, for the first time."

"So she's embarrassed of me."

"No, she's-" I close my eyes briefly. "Please, please sit down."

She finally does, looking wary.

"She's not embarrassed of you," I continue, haltingly. "She's ashamed of herself, for giving you to someone else to raise."

"Why did she give me away, anyway?" There's a glint of tears in her eyes, and I pray that they won't spill over. "Was there something wrong with me? Did I cry too much as a baby?"

"No, honey, no. It wasn't... no."

"Then why didn't she want me?"

"She did want you. But she was young, and poor, and felt like she couldn't give you what you deserved. And Laurie could."

"But she never even visited-"

"Laurie was afraid if you saw Sara, you'd figure it out somehow. And she didn't want to lose you. So she made Sara promise to stay away."

April swipes at her eyes with the back of her hand. "I kind of knew she wasn't my real mom."

"What?"

"Yeah, I figured it out about six months ago. I got my first per- I mean, I started menstruating, and Mom took me to the drug store to get some boxes of tampons and pads. She made a joke to the pharmacist about how it was the first time in twenty years that she'd had to buy that stuff. Then she sort of caught herself, and tried to take it back, but I just pretended I hadn't heard her."

I nod. "We grown-ups aren't as smart as we like to think we are."

She traces the pattern on her bedspread with a finger. "So you and Sara are getting married, huh?"

"Yes, we are."

"You gonna have more kids?"

"Uh..." I swallow nervously. "No idea. We've never even talked about it."

"You will." She smiles mirthlessly. "Everyone loves a do-over kid."

"April, no..."

"Yeah, you could name her, like... May, or June. Depending on when you two do it. And by the way, that was some fun math to figure out."

"April-"

"I guess I should just be thankful you two weren't hooking up in August, or-"

"Stop." I don't know if it's the volume or the tone of my voice, but she does stop, staring at me in surprise. "I know this is traumatic for you, really, I do. But your mother spent nine months bringing you to life, and-"

"My mother is Laura Sidle." There's that jutting chin again.

"April..." I pinch the bridge of my nose, counting to five. "Look. Twenty-four hours ago, I thought you were my future sister-in-law. A week ago, I didn't even know you existed."

"And?"

"And now I know you're my daughter-"

"And?"

"And I love you."

She sputters. "You-"

"Love you. Yes."

"That's stupid."

I just shrug.

"You don't even know me."

"It's funny you should say that." I lean against the wall, thoughtful. "I remember thinking the same thing, when I found myself falling in love with your mo- with Sara. I told myself it had only been a few months, and there was no way I could possibly love her."

"Yeah, a few months is possible. But not a day."

"You know what I see when I look at you, April?"

She shakes her head, one hand flying to her hair self-consciously.

"I see Sara's eyes and chin, and my hair and nose. I see a young woman with determination and fierce loyalty. I see a brilliant mind and somewhat awkward social graces."

April glares at me.

"I see a stubborn streak and a knack for math and science. April, I look at you and... You have to understand, Sara's the only woman I've ever loved. She's it for me. Always has been. And if I tried putting that into words, I couldn't. But I don't have to, because you're sitting here embodying it."

"What, so I'm a physical manifestation of your love for Sara?"

"Basically, yes. But it's beyond that. You're my favorite parts of both of us, combined into this wonderfully complex girl."

She frowns at the floor. "I'm my own person, you know."

"I do know. And if you'd give me a chance, I'd really like to get to know that person."

A peal of laughter floats down the hall from the kitchen. April turns her head, listening. "They're getting along okay."

"Sounds like it."

She chews on a fingernail, deep in thought. "I'll make you a deal."

"Okay."

"We can email each other... talk on the phone... visit every once in a while."

I take a deep breath of relief. "Okay. What about the wedding?"

"What about it?"

"Sara could use a maid of honor."

April's eyes fly to me in a panic. "No."

"Okay."

"I can't do that."

"That's fine. What about being a bridesmaid? We're going to have a lot of them, you'll blend right in."

"Maybe. I don't know. Maybe."

"Fair enough."

"But you have to uphold your end of the bargain, Gil."

"Which is?"

She holds my gaze, her expression very serious. "They can't know."

"That you're in the wedding?"

"They can't know that I know about Laurie not being my mother."

My mouth turns dry. "April..."

"A deal's a deal, Gil. If you want to get to know me, if you want me in your life, then we keep things as they've been. Sara's my sister, Laurie's my mom, and you're my future brother-in-law."

"But-"

"I think Laurie - my mom - I think she's been through enough in her life without dealing with this, too."

"You're asking me to lie to Sara."

"Yeah, I am."

"Indefinitely."

"Yeah."

I swallow, looking away. "I don't know if I can do that."

"It's your call. I'll give you my email address and my cell phone number. If I hear from you, I'll know you agreed to the deal. If I don't hear from you, I'll know you told Sara. Your decision."

"There's... there's no decision to make. I won't tell Sara."

"Okay then." She holds out her hand, and we shake on it. Then she flashes a tentative smile. "So, um... now that that's out of the way, I really could use some help on that Shakespeare paper..."

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